Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Commoners Uncommon Cousin

My cousin Lori technically is a commoner.  She's a Special Ed teacher who works hard every  day and then tutors kids.  But many many uncommon things happen to her every day. That's what makes her uncommon.


She joined us yesterday on our adventure to see How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying.  Lori goes to many Broadway shows. She has totally surpassed my new life long total of 3.


She realized halfway through the second act that she really had to use the rest room.  Knowing that the rest room was two levels below us-remember the commoners were in the last row of the balcony.  She realized that if there was any hope of not having to wait 3 hours to use the restroom after the show-she would need a strategy.


Her strategy was was to leave as soon as the final act drew to a close.  Off she darted down the stairs and she meet at by the restroom.  I turn to Kristen and said how are we ever going to find her?  She didn't even say where she would be and her phone was dying.


But alas as we descended among the hundreds of screaming Nick Jonas fans, miraculously there she was and it was off to Connonly's bar to meet my cousin Jimmy.  But you know all that.  What you don't know is what happened next.


This is something so uncommon that no one has ever heard of it, but what a story.  I noticed walking down the street that Lori was laughing and I asked her what's so funny?  She told me shouldn't couldn't tell me -now I'm thinking she took a phone call -because she's only on her phone-and had access to some scandalous family gossip.  But oh my was I ever wrong.


She said "I'm about 60 % sure (really she said 60%) That I have gum stuck in my ass. "  I'm pretty sure I almost fell over.  So I said "Okay  I give up How?"  Now if your a California friend you know we have seat covers in every restaurant.  This in not common in New York-thus the squat a very important skill.  It is practiced from the time you are out of diapers and is something every New Yorker worth their salt -is an expert at.


Well Lori was doing her job in the rest room and decided her Dentyne Pepperment Ice Gum was a little stale and it would be a good time to flick it down the toilet.  Do I have to go further?  Can you infer from here what was wrong with my cousin?


A few steps later, after I snorted my coffee out of my nose from laughing-she said "make that 75% sure".


We went to the bar and met Jimmy and I pretty much assumed this matter was settled upon Lori's first trip to the rest room.  And for sure it was 100% true that she did have gum in her pants.  This is the birth of the newest super hero to grace the planet Earth -this was the birth of GUM ASS.


Tonight at my cousin Gina's Bar North Village Tavern (yes most events with my family take place in bars).  Lori redeemed herself at Karaoke night by her beautiful rendition of Angel (you know the dead puppy song).  It was really beautiful.  Drunk hand slapper seated next to us at the bar thought so too. 


Lori's going to take her talents to The Voice where she will compete on Adam Levine's Team.  Kristen and I will be her back stage family cheerleaders.  I can't wait for that.  In the meantime she'll be starting her own blog called "The Adventures of Gum Ass"